It’s been awhile since I’ve posted 

It has been awhile since I’ve posted anything but thus has been bothering me so much it makes me feel sick inside… So here it goes
      Let’s say you meet someone online, you actually discover that you don’t live all that far from one another, after they keep requesting that you meet but you hesitate because you’ve been single for over 6 years and weren’t sure if you were ready to meet or be wth anyone, but after a few months of talking and getting an idea of their personality and deciding that it seemed safe to meet you do so. You weren’t expecting anything other than making a friend…. What turned out from meeting, turned into an all night stay, a night of chemistry and a weekend that you wished would never end, though it did. After he weekend passed, you thought ok, you’ll probably never see or hear from them again, it was basically a one nighter type of thing… But they kept calling and texting you, more time was spent together, stories about each other as shared, hopes and dreams were shared and soon a wall that I had built up for years was slowly being torn down and I was falling in love with them, but I wasn’t sure if they felt the same and there were so many unknowns that I was not sure of but my heart wouldn’t listen, all it knew was this was the person you’ve unknowingly been looking for your whole life… You knew they had dreams, they were renting a room from a family friend, an elderly gentleman who had been helping them get settled in and set up since they moved to Canada, they had employment doing translations and teaching English, French and Spanish, and had plans on starting their own business, a school to teach languages…. At first they would stay with me on the weekends but not always and then at times during the week, but I was falling hard and wanted more time with them and hoped on making a future together eventually with them, they knew this but they always said patience, it’ll happen just wait… I waited and pushed and always the same answer, I was so in love with them that it would hurt when they would leave and I knew I would see them for a day or two…. I never had a worry that they were or would be seeing anyone else, until they kept getting messages and emails which they said it was just work, or things they subscribed to, but the elderly gentleman who they rented the room from texted and called them often, which there always was an answer that it was nothing and that was fine and I accepted their answer… Then after 2 years together but not really together they asked me to help clean and set up some electronic equipment for them which I was very glad to do for them or anyone who need my help, but of course when cleaning out and setting up and backing up you notice things and they always said they were honest and had nothing to hide, but I came across this letter from the elderly gentleman who wrote that he wanted the truth that he deserved that much, he asked if he was seeing someone else, and their answer was no, that where would he have time to ever see anyone else, and that he loved him and only him and not to worry…. But the elderly gentleman said he didn’t believe him because of a text he sent him and it said in English “I LOVE YOU” they never texted ever in English so it must have been for someone else and sent to him by mistake, but of course he had an answer, that working and teaching in English and when replying to his message he never realized he wrote in English…. But that was a lie, the message was for me, not the elderly gentleman… Anyway I guess the elderly gentleman accepted his answer because he is very good at making you believe in him and that he’d never do any wrong to you, while all this time over a year I never knew any different that he was lying to me and I was the other person, until recently… I have confronted him but I know I have to, but my heart doesn’t want to but the rest of me knows I have to, to be able to have peace of mind no matter how much it hurts…. I just can’t understand how someone can say they love you and that they are loyal and never hurt you or cheat, and you believe them, where is their conscience, their morals their feelings.??? How could someone do that to someone they say they love?, anyway I know this was long and in part it was to get it off my chest, and in part in curiosity if others have had this experience and what their thoughts are and what they did to get over it?

     I feel so sorry for the elderly gentleman who has and had no clue, and I feel sick inside that I was put in a position of being the other person and someone else will be hurt if they find out the truth…  I could never do this to someone, it’s not right nor fair… 

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Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was this single guy who raised his son alone. This guy never ever dated much, a few dates and a few 1 nighters in about a 14 year span… Not because he didn’t want anyone permanently in his life, on the contrary, this guy only wanted to love someone and be loved back live together and be happy…. But that was never the case, a couple game players that he believed in, but realized they were only playing him, time after time he built walls up, he built them so high that he thought he had protected himself from ever being hurt again …. He stayed home and rarely ever went out, he would spend time chatting on dating/meeting sites just to pass his free time and in the back of his mind even with his walls built so high to protect him, he always hoped that one day he would connect with someone and something real would develop and they’d be able to break down his walls and build a strong loving relationship and live happily ever after…. That never ever happened, then one evening this guy on a chat site on guy-spy sent him a message, he looked at the guys profile but never answered, the guy sent more messages so he finally got a reply, then bit by bit they conveyed back and forth, opening up about themselves, the guy was handsome and very intelligent but he was way younger, he kept talking with the guy but figured nothing really would come of it, and he took his time on ever deciding to meet him in person because for one thing he was unsure and insecure sense it had been a long time sense he was ever with someone and he was a bit afraid of being intimate and getting attached and then hurt in the end like all the other times and the age difference made him more insecure as well as a few other things… But after this guys persistence and I mean he never gave up and I dragged our time emailing and chatting on for a very long time, so long in fact that most guys would have given up but this guy never gave up at all… He was very kind and understanding… So after persisting on meeting each other he finally agreed to meet, he figured it would probably only be a one night stand, twice if he were lucky… Well that was back near the end of November 2013, and they’re still seeing each other, how this is I have no clue, but the guy with the brick walls built up so high to protect himself was torn down to mere rubble…. He fell totally and madly in love with this guy that he thought would only be a one night stand or 2… He knows that he loves him but I don’t think he really comprehends how much or how deeply and he doesn’t know if he loves him the same way, he feels that he does love him but then there are times when it’s like he’s a bother to him… After all this time and he has come a long way but the guy is still insecure, he’d being living together by now if it were his decision but that’s not going to happen, this guy still does not always want to spend the nights unless things are just right for him, that’s a totally different story but not for now… He has high standards, likes high fashion, and is a bit OCD when it comes to tidiness, and that’s not a bad thing at all, it’s just the other guy gave up on a lot of things as years past to a point that very little ever bothered him or still bothers him,, it’s just hard to get into going through years of things and say goodbye to it, and not really knowing and why bother because it’s not like they’ll ever live together, now or in the future… And that’s what hurts the older guy, this guy is young, handsome, intelligent, has a Masters Degree and a whole life ahead of him and can’t see why this young guy wants to be with him but not with him at the same time… It’s confusing and his foresight into the future is one where the older guy gets left and broken hearted as the young guy decides to move on to the second part of his new life without a second thought about it or how heart broken the older guy will be…. The other thought is they move in and live together maybe even get married though that’ll never happen as the young guy doesn’t believe in that, but it’s a thought and they live happily ever after… Nah… That’s a joke,HA HA HA… the last part was just a dream, that sounded great and would be nice but that’ll never happen in this lifetime…. So for now he does not know what to do, think it feel… He’s just biding his time waiting for the the final curtain call…..when ever that will be I’ve no clue….. But he knows he loves this guy with all his being and he can’t change that, and he wouldn’t even if he could… But trying to put a bit of a wall back up as a safe guard is nearly impossible..loving him is way stronger even when sadness sets in…. Well that’s my story for tonight, I don’t expect it to actually be read, it was more for my Benefit, to sort things out and clear my head a bit… I’m here writing this on my iPad and he’s on his iPad beside me writing or face-booking or looking at high end furniture, lofts, clothing or cars…. Lol he’s a teddybear and I love him… That’s it, that’s all for tonight… Just needed to clear my chest..

Darrell

AKA Madelinot

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Bedtime update

I know I love him deeply and I know I’d love to spend the rest of my life with him, but I know what it’s like to be in the closet, I know and have friends that are in relationships where one is in the closet… And I know the struggles they go through and have been through, how they argue when family go visit and they have their partner leave so they can seem to be living a straight life and it’s not an easy relationship for them, or I should say their partner.. So I’ve been their and I don’t know if I want to or if I can go through that, I know he has plans to be in a straight marriage with a child one day, and I’ve asked him where does that leave me… And yes I know what it’s like to want to have a child and go through that part of life because I’ve been there, I was married, had a child, divorced, and raised my son on my own, my case was an exception and yes I gave a large part of my life to raising my son and no one will ever understand half of what I went through as he had a few problems but nothing that I ever gave up on and I wouldn’t change a thing ( that’s a story for another time ), and I would never ever deny or want to deny him the option of having that part of his life that he really wants, it wouldn’t be fair to be selfish to have had what he wants, even though I know what that means for us, and I know that if you love someone but you have a life long dream that there’s nothing that can stop you and it wouldn’t be right to try and stop because love could eventually turn to regret and possibly hate… So I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and I know what I should do but loving him so much and I know I’m only hurting myself by holding on to him, but isn’t that part of love and life…. Either way it’s not something that he’s even willing to discuss, and my heart won’t let me just pull away and say goodbye, though it may seem stupid but I’d rather miss him and cry and still be able to be with him then say goodbye when I know where my heart is… Besides I’ve explained most everything to him, and I’ve even said a few times that maybe it’d be better if we just remain friends and not be together because I think it’d be better for him, but he refused and said he wanted to be with me, just be patient and wait… But i think I’ve been more then patient and have waited but I’ve no clue what I’m waiting for… Is it for being together more and spending nights with each other or more then that, or is it waiting to be where he wants to be and find that part of your life that you’ve mentioned in the past and then we can part and be friends… Being patient and waiting is well… Getting to a point where and I’ve said before I’m very perplexed…

Small update… Just got off the phone with him, called a bit before, said he was about to eat and call me back, then calls back talked for 10 minutes then got in a slight discussion about last night…. I calked him on accusing me of lying on how I was feeling yesterday and I explained it wasn’t a lie, that’s how I was feeling I just didn’t elaborate on a topic he doesn’t like to discus and then he says we did discus it, but discussing it and finding a solution is not the end of the discussion…what is the solution??? Anyway then he says can I call you back, he’s going to go eat… But you just ate 15 minutes ago, it was pizza and he wasn’t crazy about it… I’ll call you back… I says ok, but I’m in bed and if I decide I’m going to sleep I’ll text you, then that was it… No I love you… Anyway just wanted to add thus so I wouldn’t forget, and was too short to be a new post… 😦 now I can say GoodNight..

Well I think that’s about it for the night, if I think of something…. I’ll be back…. GoodNight

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Envious of happy endings

        I thought I slept well last night, what with no one beside me as usual and actually going to bed early, I think I only woke once or twice though I had him on my mind while going to sleep like I do any other night… My clock went off at 6:03AM as usual and of course I hit the snooze button right up till 7:00AM then I decided I didn’t feel like going into work, still feeling a bit down but not really down, hard to explain, anyway I obviously didn’t go I to work but texted and said I want going in but they could reach me if there was a problem, though now there are very few problems as I’ve pretty much got things under control and back to normal. They didn’t have a problem so I slept until a little after 11:00AM, then I forced myself to get up, I really didn’t want to but I knew If I didn’t that I would definitely not sleep later tonight… 

     After getting up, washing and finished cleaning yesterday’s supper dishes, I decided to look through the freezer and see if it needed cleaning out and see what I hAd in there, discounted I had a bucket of frozen mackerel, a bucket of frozen salt meat as well as a bucket of frozen salted ribs…. Great for a future friend night supper…. But then I discovered 2 sealed bags of frozen wild ducks, so I took out 1 duck, thawed it out, prepared it and it is now nicely roasting in the oven, hopefully it still tastes as I remembered it from the last time which was awhile ago….   Anyway I’ll update wether it was good or not later before I go to bed…. 

     I received a few texts from Frank, one stating that he loves me and only me, which I love to see and hear even though I have no clue as to where if anywhere it will lead as I wrote yesterday… The other was just saying that he deleted a few things from his computer and now he had no Internet…. Which first if you’re not sure what you’re doing or what’s alright to delete and what’s not, it’s best to leave it alone or contact me or  someone who can answer wether you should leave the file or not.  Anyway I explained how to reconnect his Internet, I guess it worked as I haven’t heard from him sense…. I didn’t ask what he was doing or up to, didn’t want him to think I was prying, because sometimes I feel uncomfortable incase I ask the wrong question or he misinterprets what I was asking or saying… So I’m a bit cautious because sometimes it turns around and I end up feeling guilty. 

     Don’t take the way I describe things as Frank being a bad guy or anything because really he is one of the nicest guys you could ever know or want as a friend… The biggest thing is even though it appears as though he’s relaxed and nothing bothers him, it’s more so that he can’t be himself which maybe be has partially good reason but I listen to every word he says when we speak and I pretty much remember everything but I can tell there’s more and I don’t know if it’s fear of being himself or whatever and I do understand somewhat but there’s that one part that we can’t seem to connect on, wether it’s because of him or myself I really don’t know… I know he loves me, and I do believe he’s in love with me and it’s the same for me though I tend to express it more and I want him to know me and how I feel deeply inside towards him.  I cringe every time I see a movie with him and as most movies go, you see a couple that you think might or should end up together happy then they go though all this turmoil to a point where you think that they’ll never see happiness together and then all of a sudden something happens and fate makes things work out and you see them hug each other tight and kiss passionately and everything goes their way or we’re meant to think they do, anyway that causes such a deep emotion inside of me of happiness for them and then sadness or a bit envious that it’s not happening  with us and I don’t know if it ever will though deep down I wish it would.  

     Well I just finished eating and the duck was great, tasted just as I remembered it, so fir now I’ll watch a but of tv probably Netflix and then maybe write a bit more here when I get in bed before I go to sleep….

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https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=8MkClXv2vKs

Deep silent thoughts

11:10am, waiting for Frank to arrive… Today I feel very tired, not sure why as I seemed to have slept well… Maybe it has to do with my overthinking and constant wondering where we are, what we are and where are we going… Or is this all there is and it’s just a matter of time before it all comes crashing down on me…
Today was not the best of days, he was more excited to fool around then anything, I wanted to as well but also I didn’t, not for a lack of not wanting to but more because the visit felt more like a booty call then just wanting to be with me…. He says that’s not true but seeing each other only twice a week the odd time three times a week, and only for a few hours, watch a movie, eat then fool around then shower then it’s time to go home, never spending the night… It’s really eating me inside no matter how deeply in love I am, I dread looking at the clock, when I see what the time is I cringe inside and start counting the time we have left before he says he has to go…
Today was actually the weirdest day, one where I can’t even explain how I really feel, and the last hour while we watched tv I was silent, he looked at shoes on the iPad and though I was watching the movie my mind wondered elsewhere…. I was deep in thought about us and all things to do south us, the past, the present and the future… And as much as I want the future for us to be together I realize more and more that the future of us being together though being a big unknown becomes more or less likely..
😦
Anyway while watching the movie I guess he realized my mind was somewhere else so he asked what was wrong, but I said nothing was wrong, I know he knew that there was something bothering me but he said before he didn’t want to discuss anymore about him staying the night, so what else could I say… My thoughts were about that so I couldn’t bring it up because I know that’s a lost cause and when he doesn’t like talking or hearing something that bothers him, he seems to prefer to block it out and pretend that nothing is wrong…. So anyway it was no use to say what was on my mind… He just sent a text saying he arrived home… So I guess I’ll shut things down for tonight and go to sleep…goodnight❤️

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After You Say, “I’m Gay”: Dealing with Others’ Reactions

I cried, not sure why but I loved your story.

In Search Of Adam

????????????????????????????????????????For gay men and women, coming out can be a liberating and validating experience. One that can cause much welcomed relief after years of hiding their true self behind a heterosexual façade. Of course the actual act of telling someone you are gay, even if that someone is very open-minded, progressive and supportive, can be riddled with stress and apprehension. Saying the words, “I am gay” can be the frightening first hurdle in a race that we all eventually hope to win.

While we all come from different backgrounds and living situations, thus making each individual’s coming out uniquely hard or easy in its own ways, the general hope is that ultimately coming out offers increased happiness in our lives. In a recent interview with BuzzFeed Brews openly gay actor Ian McKellen spoke of coming out as saying, “…I’ve never met a gay person who came out and who regretted…

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I’m still perplexed

It’s been a bit since I last wrote something here, been a bit busy trying to find a job, sending out cv’s and a few interviews…. It’s not easy…. I was as always looking forward for Frank to arrive today “Saturday” even though I know it’s only for a few hours, I can’t help but love him even though I feel like I’m hurting all the time inside and it’s even worse when he’s here then leaves to go home, that hurts the most, I always feel like it’s the last time I’ll ever see him… Anyway he just left and we said our see you later, he asked what I was going to do, I told him probably write, he says you’re angry because he’s leaving but I honestly told him that, it always bugs me but for the last little while it hasn’t bothered me so much, it’s like I’ve become immune to his never staying the night but I can’t explain it now, it’s not like I don’t care that he leaves it’s just not bothering me as much as it used to, he said as he walked down the hallway ” don’t worry things will get better” yeah right… I no longer believe that, if you can’t grow up and figure it out now, you never will and I know it bothers me more then it bothers him, or at least he never shows if it bothers him… But I don’t think it does, it’s hard for me to understand how you can say ” I love you” well actually I can understand that but how you can say you’re deeply in love with someone, but only want to spend a few hours with them and never stay the night, I find it hard to believe or understand if you’re madly in love with someone, how it can be so easy to only spend a few hours together and always leave them. I can’t understand that, maybe it’s just me. I don’t know how not to love or be in love, and it’s not something I’d ever want to be able to turn off even if I could… So even though I’m only hurting myself, I don’t know how to feel or what to think at times when it comes to him…
Anyway that’s all for tonight unless I think of something else…. Not much else to do except watch Netflix and go to bed…

I don’t like this feeling

Ok, so let’s see… He has more free time available because of the summer holidays, yet Sunday he spends the day somewhere else when he could have spent the day with me… I’m missing something, if I could I’d try to spend almost all my free time with him, but because of where he lives and not being out I can’t do that however there’s nothing stopping him from spending the time with me, he has the majority of the week to do everything else but still I get a few hours Wednesday and Friday… Not Saturday or Sunday, that’s not much of a relationship or am I thinking wrong…. He soon has to make up his mind because I’m getting frustrated not knowing where or what anything is and no light at the end of the tunnel…. It doesn’t seem right to give a time limit for him to decide if we’re together and able to spend nights together like a real couple/relationship, or we’re just friends because right now I don’t feel good how things are, it makes me feel cheap
And it’s a feeling I don’t like and don’t deserve… How do I bring up making a decision without making him feel bad or cornered or him turning it around and making me feel guilty…

Misunderstanding and confused…

I always Learn something new, when I thought he stayed with an older couple because of the way he spoke of them, he tells me yesterday it is an older man in his 70’s and his son…. Also that when he goes home to Cuba for a vacation in December that the old man was going to go with him… Also yesterday he said that today was his friends birthday which he said was a guy, but he texted me this morning and said he was getting ready to go to his friends for “HER” birthday… So his friend went from being a guy yesterday to a girl today, which is totally fine, I’m sure he’ll stay there later to celebrate than he did here with me… When he left yesterday he said go out to the bar and have fun, maybe you’ll meet someone…. I’m totally confused, but I know when he comes by again which I’m sure won’t be till next Wednesday, that we have to seriously sit and talk, I need to know what I’m doing, is there a future with us, because sometimes he says yes and then other times he contradicts himself and reverses what our future is or may be… Anyway that’s my rant for this morning, may write more later today or tonight. I just wish I had one close friend that I could hang with and talk openly….

Changed my mind

Well it was a nice birthday, my boyfriend arrived early in the morning, we went shopping, came home and he made supper which was great, we drank then relaxed in the bedroom… Had a great time all in all, then 8:00pm arrived, I asked if he’d make an exception and stay and go out to celebrate with me but he refused, so here I am laying on the bed writing my blog instead, I could go out alone and had planned on doing that either way but after he left it just felt lost and had no one to go out with and going alone felt stupid, so here I am, writing, I did cry a bit but that ended.. So now I guess I’ll just go to bed and wait for tomorrow to arrive… I’ll say night all now, but hey I’ll probably write some more before I actually fall asleep… Again thanks for listening to my silly rants…

Darrell